| March 31, 2005... The Wonders of
WipeOut Fusion |
The unanimous
praise of the PSP launch title Wipeout Pure had left me
jonesing for some lightning fast, futuristic hoverjet
action. However, since I lack the disposable income to
afford a PSP, and any interest in digging out the
antiquated original on the Sega Saturn, I had to settle for a
used copy of Wipeout Fusion for the Playstation 2
instead.
Most
readers have claimed that Wipeout Pure is actually a
better game than its console counterpart. If
that's really the case, then it says a great deal about
the quality of the PSP extension of the long-running series,
because Wipeout Fusion is a darned good game in its own
right. It's got the most responsive controls and the
sharpest graphics of any Wipeout title I've ever played, along
with unlockable content that gives you even more incentive to
demand a rematch after the relentless computer opponents
completely humiliate you on the track.
However, having
said all that, I definitely can see room for improvement...
the kinds of improvements that were most likely made in the
PSP version of the game. Wipeout Fusion doesn't capture
the attitude or the eccentric visual style of the titles
Psygnosis released for the Saturn and Playstation.
This was THEIR series, after all, and their departure from it
leaves Wipeout Fusion without a lot of the defining qualities
of the series. The new designers tried to reproduce the
simple but expressive logos and the distinctive fonts spread
throughout the first three games, but they just don't have the
same quirky flair.
A far more pressing
issue are the new rules in the standard game. No longer
are you given three attempts to win each race... if you blow
it (or blow up), you take whatever miserable score
you've earned and advance to the next track. This
is made even more frustrating by aggressive competitors
hellbent on preventing you from completing the race at
all. If you take too much damage on your way to the
finish line, your ship will explode, and your standings in the
competition will drop through the floor. Wipeout's
always been tough, but the changes in Wipeout Fusion push the
game from merely challenging to needlessly
frustrating.
Overall, though,
the game is quite impressive, and a good sight better than
that other futuristic racing title on the PS2, the quickly
forgotten Kinetica. Yeah, that was the game that slapped
wheels on scantily clad chicks with big boobs and butts.
It was fun for a few minutes, but it's safe to say that
Wipeout Fusion will be spending a lot more time in my
Playstation 2.
| March 30, 2005... Now You Know Why
Evil Will Always
Triumph... |
I'll warn you
upfront... this update is probably going to make both
Sony and Nintendo (and Terry Schiavo) supporters pretty
angry. This rant might be mean, nasty, and just
plain unfair, but this site's never subscribed to the
philosophy of "we report, you decide" anyway. It's
always been closer to "I complain, you sit down and shut the
hell up."
I used to think
that the competition between the Nintendo DS and Sony's
recently released PSP was a battle between good and
evil. After some thought, I've come to the conclusion
that I was only half right. The honest truth is that
this is, more than anything else, a fight between
dumb and evil.
I've been quite
vocal about my contempt for Sony, and my frustration with the
electronics giant setting foot in the handheld market. I
don't like the way the company has reshaped the video
game industry, making aesthetics a higher priority than
gameplay, and I don't want Sony to bring
this insubstancial style of game design to a segment of
the industry which has long been protected from it. Now
that Sony's muscled its way onto the portable gaming scene, 2D
gaming is in serious danger of being stomped out of
existance. Sure, sure, the PSP offers a handful of
launch titles like Lumines and Darkstalkers: Chaos Tower, but
this is a bait and switch tactic to make old-school gamers
more comfortable about the purchase. In no time at
all, the PSP's software library will be inundated
with the same tiresome procession of first-person shooters and
Grand Theft Auto clones we've seen on its big brother, the
PS2.
However, Nintendo
has its own issues... big issues. Big, stupid
issues. To put it bluntly, if Nintendo's upper
management were any more brain-dead, the Supreme Court would
be rushing to pull out their feeding tubes. The software
for Nintendo's latest handheld system has been
trickling in at an agonizingly slow pace. Games which
were promised for the Nintendo DS late last year (including
highly anticipated yet-to-be-releases like Super Mario
Kart) have been delayed repeatedly. There are so few
titles currently available for the DS that its software
selection is on the verge of being eclipsed by the freshly
released PSP's. Frankly, I haven't seen a selection of
games this small on a Nintendo system since the ill-fated
Virtual Boy. This strengthens the critics' withering
comparisons of the two consoles, and makes even Nintendo's
most loyal fans wonder if the DS will follow its predecessor
down the long, lonely road to obscurity.
I'm sure
Nintendo has the same sad excuse it always does when it
gets its ass beaten by its competitors... "Oh, we're not
competing with those guys at all! We're
offering something so totally different that you just
can't compare it to other game consoles!" Fine,
whatever. You're entitled to your delusions, but they
don't absolve you of your responsibility to support a product
that your increasingly disillusioned customers paid nearly two
hundred dollars to take home. They had faith in the
Nintendo DS, even though they knew something more
practical and functional was just around the corner. Why
are you betraying their trust by releasing so few games, and
even fewer ones that take full advantage of the system's
touchpad and dual screens?
What happened to
you, Nintendo? You used to fight so hard to stay on
top... now, you're satisfied resting at the bottom of the
heap in your permanent vegetative state, letting the world
pass you by. When people talk about video games these
days, you're no longer the first word on their lips... in
fact, it's doubtful that you're mentioned at all. This
is the most important battle of your company's history.
You simply can't afford to phone this one in.
I can't justify the
purchase of a Nintendo DS, even though I recently lost my Game
Boy Advance and am hurting for a replacement. I don't
WANT to buy a PSP either, but its more appealing selection of
games (EA's unimaginative schlock aside) and greater
functionality makes it a smarter purchase than its closest
competitor. I can't trust Sony to give me the games I
want to play, but at least they'll give me
SOMETHING.
I think that this
classic
quote from
my favorite film sums up the situation perfectly.
| March 17, 2005... Worst...
Segue... Ever. |
Happy St. Patrick's
Day, everyone! It's time to break out the green and, uh,
read the latest Fighter's Misery update, written by guest
writer John Roche!
All right, that was
the worst segue ever. I've been doing a lot
of freelance writing in the past two weeks and I'm
running out of clever things to say.
| March 10, 2005... Itagaki Likes
Boobs; Just Not Bare Ones |
I heard a bunch of hackers were sued by Tecmo for making a
patch of Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball that removes
all the girls' bikinis. This was most likely done at the
insistence of Dead or Alive creator Tomonobu Itadaki, as he's
always complained rather loudly whenever someone takes his
already exploitative games and takes the final step (however
small it may be) that turns them into softcore porn.
Itadaki has openly ridiculed the hackers who've peeled off
the bikinis in the Dead or Alive games, challenging them to
use their programming skills for something truly
worthwhile. Well, I've got a challenge for you,
my good sir. If the integrity of your software is really
that important to you, then it's time to prove it by making a
truly outstanding game that DOESN'T rely on outrageous sex and
violence as a crutch. You've done a fine job of bringing
Ninja Gaiden back from the dead... now let's see you put your
talent to good use by resurrecting another Tecmo classic
that's long overdue for a comeback.
Here's my challenge to you, Mr. Itadaki. Give us a
remake of the exceptional puzzle game Solomon's Key.
Make it as good as the innovative but sadly overlooked NES
release, and do it without the big breasts and bigger
explosions. Can you put all that pandering nonsense
behind you and make a game that's fun to play simply because
it's brilliantly designed... or are you just another
loud-mouthed developer drunk on his own inflated sense of
self-worth? You've constantly bragged to us about your
integrity, Mr. Itadaki. Now prove to us that it
exists.
| February 26, 2005... Have You
Played Monogatari
Today? |
Sno 'nuff, the
compression utility I was using was to blame for Cave Story's
problems. After downloading WinRAR and using it to
extract the game's files, I've had no issues with it
whatsoever.
It was a bit of a
hassle to get the game to work (at least at first), but I must
admit that it was worth the trouble. People have
compared Cave Story to the later Wonder Boy games, but
the vast selection of guns, along with missiles that are
extremely powerful but must be regularly replenished, reminds
me a lot more of Metroid and its sequels.
Its lineage may be
open to debate, but there's no question that Cave Story
is a very endearing game. The square-headed, simply
drawn characters have a look that's abstract, yet surprisingly
expressive... kind of like the characters in a Hello Kitty
cartoon, or the weirdest bosses in Treasure's classic Gunstar
Heroes. Some of the stars of Cave Story might be just a
little too strange for their own good, like the giant suitcase
you battle thirty minutes after the game begins, but overall,
I like the quirky visual style.
I'm also enjoying
the gameplay... it can get a little repetitive, but the large
selection of weapons, coupled with an excellent English
translation courtesy of the fine folks at Aeon Genesis, will
give you more than enough incentive to keep coming back even
after you've blasted the thirty-seventh square
elephant.
You can get a copy
of Cave Story for yourself at this address. Be sure to follow it
up with this English
patch by
Aeon Genesis... there's a lot of text in the game and you'll
need a translation to know where you'll need to go
next.
| February 23, 2005... The
Low-Down Dirty File Compression
Blues |
I think I figured
out why I haven't been able to get Cave Story to run on my
computer. I used an ancient .LZH program written in
DOS to decompress the file I'd downloaded, and while there
weren't any apparent errors during the extraction process, I
never had any luck getting the program to run properly.
I've tried running Cave Story on two different machines
without success, so I have to assume that the fault lies with
the decompression utility I was using, and not the file
itself.
So why would I use
such an old file unzipper when I could download something
native to Windows that offers more features? I dunno...
I'm just stubborn, I guess. I resent that people insist
on using forty seven million different compression formats
when ZIP has been around for nearly ten years, and has since
been accepted by many as the industry standard.
Sure, sure, the other formats offer a higher rate of
compression, but any time you save by downloading a file in a
funky compression format will just be spent searching for a
utility that can handle it. Isn't it enough that I
already have ZipCentral and 7-Zip on my computer? Do I
really have to congest my start bar with even more
programs? I'm sorry, but it's just annoying. My
advice to anyone out there uploading files... unless you're
sending entire DVDs through BitTorrent, don't force
people to bend over backwards to comply with some flavor
of the month decompression format. You know you're just
going to abandon it in a heartbeat for the next esoteric
format that shaves a whopping three bytes from the size
of your files.
Anyway, MAME: Full
Access is finished, and it's looking mighty good if I do say
so myself. I've made some changes to the format to
differentiate it from, ahem, other MAME review columns,
and I think pitting three games against one another,
rather than reviewing them seperately, gives MAME: Full Access
the kind of competitive spirit that was missing from my
reviews on Digital Press.
| February 17, 2005... The
Best Things in Life ARE
Free! |
I've really been
getting into computer freeware and shareware lately.
Maybe it's because the games are dirt cheap, and maybe it's
because they're usually the kinds of immensely fun
2D action titles we never get to see on game consoles
anymore. I'm not sure, but one thing I do know is that I
just can't get enough of them. I had a lot of fun with
the Jets 'n Guns demo, and I was extremely impressed with what
I've played of BreakQuest... it really is the pinnacle of the
evolution of Breakout games. Every issue I had with the
otherwise enjoyable Arkanoid series has been addressed in
BreakQuest... even that pesky last brick you can never seem to
get rid of is no longer a problem, since the game eventually
throws you a weapon if you can't take the brick out on
your own.
However, there are
some games that just don't want to start on my computer, like
the critically acclaimed Cave Story (Doukutsu
Monogatari). It doesn't matter how I adjust the options
in the configuration menu... whenever I try to run the game, I
get an aggravating error message. It'd be impossible for
anyone short of a master cryptologist to decipher it, but
I imagine that it's my increasingly glitchy computer's
way of telling me to get bent.
| February 14, 2005... Under
the Weather on Valentine's
Day |
Whoo... I don't
feel so good right now. I think I might have strep
throat or something. Sorry for the lack of updates, but
I just haven't felt up to working on the site. I'll
probably spend more time drinking tea and sleeping off this
infection than anything else. Some way to spend
Valentine's Day, huh?
There's good news,
though. The first installment of MAME: Full Access is
almost finished... I just have to do a little research and
write the introduction and it'll be ready for
publication. In the meantime, regular contributor John
Roche and Fight The (Video) Power author Mickey Tveter have
graciously supplied the Blitz with new content. John's
got a review of Power Rangers: Dino Thunder on the cartoon
page, and Mickey's cooked up a response
to the response to his hilarious
feature chronicling his experiences on the short-lived video
game show Video Power.
| February 4, 2005... The Fall
of Full Spectrum |
I'm on an updating
streak today! Submitted for your approval is a new entry
in the Fighter's Misery feature, and John Roche's opinion of
the weird pseudo-cartoon Tom Goes to the Mayor. Finally,
there's a new review at the bottom of this page.
And to think I'd originally intended that space for daily game
reviews... yeesh!
Finally, you'll
notice that the Full Spectrum logo is gone. I haven't
updated the premium content in nearly a year... frankly, I
never had much incentive to do it, since practically nobody
was sending me donations. What will more than likely
happen is that all the premium content I had written
in the past year will be distributed throughout the main
site. It's so old that I doubt the people who paid for
the content will be too upset that it will be available for
free from now on.
Replacing the Full
Spectrum link is a progress bar for my book, Awesome
NES. Each green section represents a letter of the
alphabet whose licensed NES games have all been
reviewed. I've been bouncing around from letter to
letter, so the progress bar isn't entirely sequential.
Also, "Z" seems to be missing in FireFox, and I still haven't
found a way to make it show up. I don't think I'll ever
understand the way that browser does things...
| February 2, 2005... Suffering
from MAME Rage |
You could only imagine my surprise when I discovered that
MAMExpose, the column I had written for Digital Press before
its editor saw fit to stab me in the back, is still being
published on that site. Seems that Low Blow Joe thinks
that it's perfectly fine to continue using the concept I'd
created without my involvement or consent.
If you happen to visit that site regularly, just keep in
mind that the bastardized version of MAMExpose that's
currently being published on Digital Press is not written,
endorsed, or even tolerated by me. It's a phony, and a
cheap imitation of my work. If you want genuine coverage
of the world's most popular arcade emulator from the mind
behind the real MAMExpose, keep reading the Blitz. We'll
have something for you in a month that'll blow away anything
Sans-Testiclese has to offer.